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I need help /r/fitness - really depressed with where I'm at right now and don't know what to do. Affecting my work, relationship, etc.
This is a pretty big wall of text - TL;DR at the bottom. Thank you anyone who can help it would mean a lot
Hi everybody. I have an issue that has been bugging me for quite some time. I just wanted to get it out here on the forums and see if anyone has some opinions or advice. Usually I'm the person that people go to for advice given that I went through quite a transformation, but I'm at a point where no matter what I try, I'm struggling to get the results I want and return to my 'old self'. I'm also dealing with some body image issues that I wanted to get some opinions on as well.
So a little background about myself. I played cardio-intensive sports for a majority of my childhood, up until Freshman year of college. Soccer, baseball, track, basketball. I graduated high school at 5'10'' 125 lbs. (that’s what my licenses said, I probably padded it by 5-10 pounds). I was basically sick of being the skinny guy - being made fun of for being so small, etc. (you know the deal). My friend and I who were both in the same situation picked up weightlifting and never looked back.
Fast forward to end of Sophomore year of college, I was tipping the scales at 200 lbs and still sitting around 12-14% bodyfat (abs still showing, but not significant). My big 3 lifts were progressing nicely - 295 lbs bench press, 495 lbs. squat and 440 lbs deadlift - I felt like an absolute animal. Not to get sidetracked here, but I went from the kid who couldn't curl 15 pounds for more than 1 or 2 reps to an absolute beast. Not only was I lifting hard but I've been blessed with good genetics (part of the reason I still look decent currently, even though I feel like shit). Parents were even coming up to me, I had questions whether I was juicing (idiots, it's called hard work and eating til you feel like puking). I had changed so much my dad's Cousin who was used to seeing me, but hadn't in 3-4 years didn't even recognize who I was. I went to give him a handshake and a hug and he thought I was a really friendly stranger.
College life got the best of me, partying took priority over being healthy. I lost probably 10 pounds due to less lifting, but calories were never a problem. I still lifted really hard, squatted and deadlifted heavy every week, but felt like I was digressing all the time. To an average person I looked great, but I wasn't happy. I figured I would live it up the last 2 years of college and get back to my healthy habits when I started work. Well, now that I'm working full time things have slowly worse.
At first I was struggling with the 6am wake up (working in IT means you’re the first one to the office), 7:30am-5pm work day, etc. I couldn't sleep in a new apartment that was right downtown, next to a highway, baseball stadium, etc. Finally got that figured out with some Sleepytime Extra Nighttime Tea (this stuff is like drugs its so good), so I have more energy. Next was my eating - being on your own sucks. Cooking all the time, it's too expensive to eat out, etc. This I feel like is one of my issues that I'd like some advice on, but I feel like I'm getting close to the amount of calories I need and if I can get my schedule back on track and my routine, the hungeappetite will come with it. I recently bought protein again and lactose free milk (I'm lactose intollerant), so this has been pushing me to my my daily required for weight gain(about 4000k cals, my metabolism and ADD habits are insane). I also snack on dried fruit and nuts during the day to get those extra calories in as well as having a big breakfast and lunch (that I pack myself).
The biggest thing I'm struggling with right now however, is that I just flat out don't feel like myself. The biggest part of this, is that my muscles, how I activate them, the squeeze/pump I once got is just flat out GONE. I don't know if it's my diet, my motivation, the semi-crappy gym I'm lifting at, or if there is something outside of this that is physically wrong with me. I can't activate my biceps for SHIT anymore. Used to walk out with MASSIVE arm pumps on arm days, now I can't seem to get any type of pump at all. My joints are sore, and it seems like my legs are ALWAYS tight on leg day no matter how much stretching/roller work that I do. I can barely put up 225 for more than 8 reps any more on squats. My deaflift/grip SUCKS. I used to be able to raw grip 440 for 3-5 reps. Now I can't hang on to 225 past 8 reps. Every single day I workout, the next day I feel smaller and weaker, no pumps, no 'fullness' that I once had. I've tried taking a week off, adjusting my diet (eating more), switching up routines (after sticking to 2 of them for 3 months apiece), and numerous other things. It's getting extremely frustrating every single day going in to the gym and feel like I'm going backwards. I'll have a few good days and feel like I'm moving forward, only to take a day off and feel like I haven't worked out in months.
I don't know what to do and really wanted to get some help from the fitness community - when I was bulking and starting my "powerbuilding" lifestyle, Bodybuilding.com forums were a massive help. I'm probably going to post this over there as well but wanted to post here first. I'm getting depressed about my body image - to many I would look 'in-shape', 'cut', etc. but people don't know where I once was and how good I felt. This is what is really depressing me the most - I could be competing, but instead I'm just a mediocre gym rat who 'lifts'. I want to get back to where I was. I want to popping out of my Larges instead of feeling like I need to go back in my closets and put on those mediums I wore at 170 pounds (I can't really fit in them, but they make me 'feel' bigger). I want to get my shit back together because when my lifting is on, my LIFE is on.
If there is anyone out there who is going through something similar I would love to hear from you. Any encouragement, advice, etc. I'm really sorry for the long post and I'll put a TL;DR at the bottom here for people who don't want to read these 5-6 paragraphs. Thank you all and I hope you have a great day - other than this life is great! I'm not suicidal or anything, but I could be doing so much more and it's ruining other parts of my life, and especially getting in to my relationship with a wonderful girl who I've been with for almost 6 years now. I don't want it going any further and want to address it NOW. I'm a motivated person, a happy go lucky guy, but this has been bothering me for way too long!
TL;DR - Was a skinny guy (120lbs in high school), went Goku and bulked to 200lbs (295 bench, 495 squat, 440 dead), got to Junior year of college, still was big, but Senior year lost a lot and have been going down hill since. Don't feel myself anymore, muscle don't feel like they're working right, fatigue, soreness, tightness, etc. Feel like I'm going backwards and don't know what to do. Getting depressed and having body image issues because I'm not where I once was.
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