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Hi parents.
I’m a master at masking personality-wise, but with a mother that took no interest in teaching me how to “girl” or even learning how to girl herself, I’ve constantly felt less-than the other girls around me.
I do have difficulty picking up some things like braiding right away, but I always get the hang of it after a while. I’ve taught myself makeup (as best I can) and several different types of braiding, but more and more, I’m saddened by my inability to just be “on”.
Coming from the south, other girls have their hair perfectly done either 100% or 90% of the time, dress to suit themselves, and just always look put together, even when it’s a bad hair day or something.
For me, I can’t fathom that they stay up so late or get up so early to look perfect every day, so there has to be a secret, right?
I’ve tried many hairstyles/lengths/colours, but my hair always falls flat and dull. When it’s a bad hair day, I feel that I look like a wet rat and just yuck. I want to look like the other girls. I’m at a point in my mid-20s where I feel it’s nearly immature of me to not have the “properness” these other young women do. I don’t want my autism to be my excuse, many strong women I know have autism and are “on” often as well.
From not being able to emulate those perfect, bouncy, effortless curls to never looking manicured and put together, I feel like I’m always just “almost there”.
I don’t want to shed loads of money on fake nails, eyelash extensions, constant hair appointments, injections, etc. (These are all things I’ve tried, but have difficulty up keeping— financially and personally), but I want to be “on”. I want it very badly.
I’ve been told I’m a pretty girl, but I feel like a slob. Not being “on” was possibly a positive in my teenage years, because it was not the norm, but I’ve grown out of it now. I need to look like a proper adult who can make themselves up, and I WANT to be on. I want that.
Please help me, parents, how can I be on?
(And also, do people really lose/ hours and hours of sleep and spend hours daily on being put together? Surely not. People would have to be going to sleep at 9 PM and rising at 4 AM, would they not? There must be a secret I’m missing)
If someone is the “on” southern woman I’m describing, can you give me a step-by-step? How were you taught to be together?
(Our brand of southern here is “Hannah Ann from the Bachelor, but a little less affluent and more want for time”)
Thanks everyone for helping me out, and I’m sorry I rambled so much. I was embarrassed to ask, but I want to know and get better.
ETA: I have read through all the responses thus far, and I really appreciate every single one of them. You made me feel like I have a circle of internet family that isn’t there to judge me for me, but is just here helping me. Really, thank you. I’ve gotten a lot of great advice, and I am excited for more.
Also, I’m sorry I didn’t clarify— I have thin-ish, curly. My mother (I am not very connected with her these days) has stick straight hair, and straightened mine for as long as I can remember due to the ease of it.
I didn’t realize that not every single person in the world straightens their hair every day, so I continued doing it (sometimes even twice a day) until I was 19. I couldn’t figure out that damn frizz! Then it dawned on me one day that my roommates never, even straightened their hair. I have been attempted to free the frizz (haha) since. It is constantly weighed down, and that is one thing I’ve tried many times to remedy to be “on”. Hair masks, clarifying mixtures, many different stylists, mousse and gel and curl cream, etc etc. I feel like no matter what, the hair is dragged down.
I believe my hair is somewhere between 2B, 2C, 3A. It has true ringlets all over the facial area, but falls completely straight in a 2 inch section in the back.
Again sorry for the length of this post, and a thank you to all of you strangers.
ETA2: I’ve googled as much as I can think, but can’t figure out which curly products to buy. I feel like there are 12,000 options, and it really overwhelms me.
Would anyone mind dropping exact curly hair product suggestions please?
I have Not Your Mother’s curl defining cream (and another one in an orange jar that people on TikTok talked about haha), NYM’s mousse and Aussie mousse and gel, but they all feel heavy on my hair.
I also now know have low porosity hair. Woot, gaining hair knowledge! I already feel a little more in control of me.
Final ETA: thank you for all the kind words, helpful advice, links to communities, and even awards. I felt very detached and displeased with myself when I wrote this, and while those feelings still resonate, I feel like I have people I can come to and get an internet hug from. You don’t know how much that means to me. Oh, and I even went and got my nails done to try something out of my comfort zone! Thank you all.

...and what a wild ride it has been. The following is a bit of a rant/vent/rambling of the things I have felt and learned since my(cisF) spouse (MtF) came out as trans.
First, we have been together for almost ten years, married for almost three. They came out as genderqueer and pansexual in August, and then came out as trans almost a month ago.
When they came out as genderqueer, it was awesome. I saw their confidence grow, our relationship became richer, and our intimacy was off the charts. When they came out as trans, the first 48 hours were hell. As someone who has always identified as straight, and as someone who just in general has issues with trusting women (big time mommy issues), when they told me they were a woman, I was pretty sure that our marriage, and my life, was over.
But, when that initial fear subsided, I started doing some soul searching.
So here is the thing about me- every man I have ever developed romantic feelings for has turned out to be queer in some way. Almost every boy in highschool I crushed on- gay. Did I have a boyfriend in highschool? Absolutely not. I was their bestie, that's it. I have only been in two relationships in my entire life, and even my ex was not a stereotypically straight fellow.
Clearly, I must be a little queer myself, right? But how queer? Queer in what way? This is what I am trying to figure out.
I am fortunate to have grown up in a very LGBTQ+ friendly city and environment. I remember the first wedding I ever went to was a lesbian wedding when I was three. I am a theatre kid, and, at least where I grew up, the stereotype was true that there was a large LGBTQ+ presence in the theatre scene both in and out of highschool. I think this may be what confuses me so- I have always had the privilege of having a community that would accept me if I ever came out, but I never felt the need to come out, because I have always identified as straight. But why then do I always fall for queer men?? Does this mean I am bi? Am I a lesbian? Am I also pan? What am I??????
One thing I know for sure- I am in love with my spouse so very much. They fulfill me in every way. We have been through SO MUCH in the last ten years that I cannot fathom leaving them, especially now when they are starting this life-affirming/altering transition. And honestly, I love them all the more for speaking their truth and having the courage to take the steps to live the life they want to live, need to live.
Since that initial 48 hour fearscape subsided, I have dedicated practically all of my spare time to learning more about the trans community to equip myself with the knowledge I need to be their fiercest ally and source of support. I ordered two books and one workbook for partners of transgender people, have joined related communities all over the internet, and even incorporated trans issues into a paper I wrote last week for one of my university courses. I have been so pedal to the metal that my spouse literally asked me to pump the breaks because they felt I was pushing them towards transition faster than they are comfortable with.
The biggest feaissue I still have is- we have been trying to start a family for a year. I have been honest about my desire to have a child since our first date. I put everything out on the table. I have patiently waited for YEARS for the to feel ready to start trying to get pregnant. My spouse says that their desire to start a family with me hasn't changed. I am in my mid 30s, and that clock is ticking away, and I am very concerned about what seem to be very conflicting timelines- when they start HRT and getting me pregnant. I feel like I cannot be accommodating on this point- my body just doesn't have the time and fertility to spare.
On top of all of this, about two months ago I began my own journey of coming to terms with the very likely possibility that I am on the autism spectrum. All of the time I spent working on myself and researching resources to get myself an official diagnosis has been replaced with researching about the trans community and how to support my spouse.
How do you balance taking care of your own needs and being there for your best friend and soulmate as they begin to transition? How do I figure out how queer I am? Do I need to define it? Can I still get pregnant if they start HRT? What am I doing wrong, and what can I do to better support my partner on this journey?
Thanks for reading!