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They Call Me Spacegirl and I Have A Gift

I need you to understand that I never wanted anybody to get hurt. I don’t know what’s wrong with me but I can’t stop myself from doing it. My Mom once told me that what I can do is a gift. But some days I’m not so sure. What exactly do you call it when everything you draw or paint comes to life?

My name is Megan Daniels, but people have been calling me Spacegirl for years and I’ve had my ‘ability’ for as long as I can remember. I never really questioned it when I was a child. On the contrary, I remember that I couldn’t have been happier. I was by myself so often hat it was nice to be able to literally make my own friends.

My Mom was never a bad parent, but she had a career to focus on as well. I know she made some sacrifices while juggling motherhood and her practice as a psychiatrist. She’d set up a home office while I was still fairly young and spent a lot of her time there with her patients. While she was working, I usually just played in my room.

My Dad on the other hand was a bit of a different story. He wasn’t home very often, so I didn’t see much of him. I barely even remember what he looked like and if it weren’t for the few photographs my Mom kept, I would’ve forgotten everything except his intense blue eyes and the smell of alcohol that often hung like a cloud around him. I could smell it on his breath every time he was close to me and even now, years later I can’t help but think of him every time I catch a whiff of alcohol. He worked a 9-5 office job, but he usually wasn’t home until long after I’d gone to bed. When I was young, I never understood why. Mom never talked about it in front of me, but I knew from the arguments that sometimes kept me awake that she was mad at him for it.

Since Dad was never around and Mom was always busy, I was often left to my own devices more often than not and that was just fine by me. As I said before, I made my own friends. Some of my earliest memories involve watching the sea creatures I’d drawn float off the paper and swim around my bedroom. Crude fish and an octopus with only four tentacles swam around, dancing out of my grip as I chased them around the room, laughing all the while. I remember a portrait of my family, consisting of three stick figures moving around on the page, all together and smiling in a way that my own family never did. I remember them standing around my room, content to play with me since I had no one else.

Whatever I wanted, I could create with nothing more than some crayons and paper. My work was crude back then. I was just a child after all, but the quality didn’t matter. Just as I’d drawn them my work would come to life just for me. Of course, everything would return to its place the moment I heard footsteps in the hall. I’d learned quickly that the things I’d created were shy. They were just for me and didn’t want to be seen by anybody else and while I’d told my parents everything, they just dismissed it as my imagination. One can’t possibly keep a secret that big for long, though.

When I was 4, I’d got it into my head that I wanted a pony and I did what any little girl with my ability would have done. I drew my own. I remember laying out a sheet of lined paper and grabbing some of my crayons before I started on the landscape. As I drew, I imagined what my pony would be like. He would be noble, just and kind. He would be brave and strong… He would be a Knight- no, a Prince! A Unicorn Prince, in fact! I remember gleefully drawing his limbs and his horn, giving him shape and making him real. I remember setting my crayon down and watching expectantly as my Prince began to move. He shook his head and if he’d had a mane at that point, it would’ve tossed about majestically. Instead, all he had were two dot eyes and a dopey smile. It didn’t seem to matter, though. He moved all the same and just like everything else he emerged from the paper. He wasn’t quite as big as a real horse. At that age, I had no idea how big a horse really was… But he was still taller than I was. I remember reaching out to pet him for the very first time. His hide felt like paper although it had a warmth to it.

He remained still and even got down a little bit so I could ride on his back. His paper hooves thudded against the hardwood floor as he let out a bold whinney… and I suppose that was a little too much noise. As my Unicorn Prince circled my room, I didn’t hear the footsteps in the hall over the clop of my impromptu pony ride. I didn’t hear my Mom coming in to check on me, not until I saw the door open from the corner of my eye and even then all I could do was grin at my Mother and wave.
“Hi Mom!”
She didn’t smile back at me, nor did she wave. Instead her eyes went wide. Her hand went to her mouth to stifle a scream.

The Unicorn Prince froze. I remember feeling his body tense up before he rushed towards the piece of paper sitting on the floor. In an instant, it was gone and I was on the floor. My Mom raced towards me and scooped me up, pulling me away from the drawing on the ground. I didn’t understand why she was so afraid. I couldn’t. She frisked me, checking me for injuries and when she found none she looked me dead in the eye.
“What was that?” She demanded, “Megan, what was that?”
“He’s my pet Unicorn Mommy, I drew him!”
“Where did it come from?!”
“I drew him! I really did!”

I looked back at the picture on the floor. The Unicorn Prince didn’t move but I knew he was staring at me. Even in those simple dot eyes, I could see some sign of life. My Mom fixated on the picture, studying it in silence but keeping her distance as she processed what she’d just seen. She didn’t speak for a few moments. She just held me protectively close.
“Can you make him come out again?” She finally asked. Her voice had a notable tremble in it. Slowly she set me down again and I went to kneel beside my drawing.
“It’s okay. She’s not going to hurt you.” I whispered to my Prince. “It’s just Mommy.”

The drawing remained still for a moment before finally starting to move. He didn’t leave the paper, not again. He was either scared, or trying not to scare my Mom. Even without stepping out again though, just moving was enough. Mom stared down at him, eyes wide in disbelief.
“Can I take him outside and ride him in the park?” I asked eagerly.
“No.” The response was curt and automatic, “No… No… Just… Just leave him for now, okay honey?”
Mom brushed her hair back and looked at me. She still looked as if she couldn’t quite believe her eyes before shaking her head and forcing an uneasy smile.
“How about some lunch?” She said, hiding the stammer in her voice, “I’ll make alphagetti
“Can my Unicorn have alphagetti too?”
“Maybe later, baby. Let’s just talk about this first…”
She offered me a hand and I took it as she led me downstairs.

“Did I ever tell you about Great Grandma Ruth?” She asked as I sat over my bowl of hot alphabet soup.
“Who’s Great Grandma Ruth?” I asked. Mom managed a sad smile as she sat down across from me.
“Well, she was my Grandmother.” She replied, “When I was very young, Grandma and Grandpa sometimes let me stay over at her place. I always loved it there. She had a cottage in the woods, way up past London. It was quiet, there was a big forest to play in. It was beautiful.”
“Can we go and see Great Grandma Ruth?”

“Unfortunately no. She’s been dead a very long time… She liked to draw too though, just like you and when I was a little girl, I used to like to pretend that some of her drawings would come out and play with me…”
She paused, watching me carefully. I stared back at her, my eyes lighting up a little bit.
“Did they really come out? Just like my drawings do?” I asked.
“I… I don’t really know, baby.” She said with a sigh, “I used to think it was all my imagination. She died when I was young and Grandma’s gone too so... I guess I’ll never know for sure… What you can do though, not everyone can do it too. Maybe Great Grandma Ruth could, but you have to understand that this isn’t… Most people can’t do it and they might not understand it if they see the things you drew coming out of their drawings…”
“What do you mean?” I asked. Mom tried to put on a reassuring smile.

“People aren’t always nice, honey and when they see something they don’t understand, sometimes they get scared. I need you to be careful with your drawings. You’re going to be starting school soon, and people can’t see them move…”
“They don’t like it when people see them.” I said.
“And that’s good! We just need to make sure it stays that way.”
“Are you mad at me?”

Moms eyes widened.
“No! No, sweetie. Absolutely not! Why would I be mad at you?” She left her chair to crouch down beside me and wrapped me in a tight hug. “I’m not mad at you. I promise. I just want you to be safe, that’s all… It’s best we don’t tell Daddy about this though. It’ll be our secret. You and me.” She said.
“Why can’t we tell Daddy?” I asked and she hesitated for a moment before giving me an answer.
“Daddy… Sometimes he doesn’t think and says things he shouldn’t. We can show him one day. Just not right now, okay?”
“Okay.” I said and gave a slight nod. Even now, I’m still not sure I fully trusted her tone. ‘Mad’ might not be the right word to describe how I think she felt. Afraid might be more fitting and I suppose if it were me in her position, I would’ve been afraid too. At the time though, I hardly knew any better. I was so sure that she was angry with me and I wasn’t quite sure what to do about it.

For the next little while, I didn’t play with the things I had created. Even if my Mom hadn’t intended it, the idea that my ability was somehow wrong had entered my mind and it wouldn’t go away. But just because I wasn’t playing with them, didn’t mean they stopped being alive. When I was in my room, I could see them moving around on the paper, watching me. I’d hung the Unicorn Prince up on my wall and could see him pacing about restlessly. His simple facial features betrayed a look of unease that was impossible to mistake and beyond that, a look of concern. I think that my own emotional state must have rubbed off on them. They knew that something wasn’t quite right and so they stayed in place, moving less often and rarely coming out. I remember that part of me felt relieved that they could be normal… And yet part of me missed them. It’s not easy for a child to go from having something so magical in their life to having nothing at all and without the things I’d drawn, I had nothing. I think it was obvious that it wasn’t going to last. Maybe my artwork knew it too, I can’t say for sure. But it wasn’t long before I couldn’t help myself.

When I told my Mom I wanted to go outside and play, I only took one drawing outside with me. It was carefully folded up in my pocket and the choice was an obvious one. I’d never had a chance to properly ride the pony I’d drawn and since it was an overcast day, I thought I could slip out and do it while Mom was busy.

Our yard backed onto a small park. There was only a chain link fence and a little gate separating us from the park itself and I remember that the day was glum and foggy. No one else was out and about and there were enough trees that I probably wouldn’t be seen. Mom had told me to stay in the backyard, but I knew she had a patient and wouldn’t check on me. I knew I had time. As soon as I knew she wasn’t looking, I opened the gate and stepped out into the park. I remember that giddy feeling of doing something I knew I wasn’t supposed to be doing. Tasting a forbidden fruit as it were. I didn’t understand just how dangerous it was for a four year old to be running around unsupervised, and being a four year old myself I simply didn’t care.

I took the folded drawing from my pocket and opened it, smiling as I looked down at my Unicorn Prince.
“You can come out now.” I whispered to it and watched with a familiar excitement as he bounded off the paper.
I remember thinking that he looked happy to see me as I pet his neck. The light rain didn’t seem to have much of an effect on his paper hide and after examining his surroundings, he knelt down before me, offering me a place on his back. I felt like the Queen of the world as I climbed on.

“Go.” I said as I held on to him, “Run!” and he did exactly that. The park was abandoned and we were lucky for that. My Prince might not have been as fast a real pony, but I didn’t care. For a little while, I was completely free and I will never forget that wonderful feeling. Mom never caught on to my little adventures with the Unicorn Prince, which very quickly became my go to activity. In a sense, he became one of my best friends.

When we weren’t outside, I spent my time drawing newer and better versions of him. My artstyle began to get better with practice as my Prince slowly began to resemble a real horse. It was always him that came out of the newest drawing. No matter how he’d changed, he was always the same. When we were together, he and I would linger by the edge of the park in a small spot covered by trees and away from prying eyes. That small patch of ‘woods’ wasn’t much, but for me it might as well have been my very own fantasy land. I only got caught outside of the backyard once and even then, Mom had no idea that I’d had one of my drawings out with me.

Once, I remember that I’d brought out two pictures of the Unicorn Prince. I’d been hoping that maybe I could create two of him, although he only came out of the newer drawing. I suspect that was only because it was the better one and he seemed to prefer looking good. He was a vain one, but I suppose I made him that way. When I looked at the paper, both of them only showed the background. The Prince himself was absent. It’s how I knew that no matter how many times I drew him, so long as it was meant to be him, he was the one who’d come out. That didn’t mean I couldn’t draw other Unicorns though. I only tried it once before deciding that if I had too many Unicorns out at once, I’d probably get caught and Mom would get mad.

It was on one of those overcast days when I saw the coyote. I’d finished my newest drawing of the Unicorn Prince and wanted to see how he’d turned out. As soon as I knew Mom wasn’t watching, I slipped out the back gate and ran for the trees, hiding my drawing under my raincoat. When I made it to the safety of the trees, I took it out and watched as the Prince stepped off the paper. He was still a little cartoonish, but I was sure that he looked better than he had before. The Prince lowered his head to me, a gesture of respect and I bowed in response before moving to climb on his back. Before I could though, I saw something moving through the trees out of the corner of my eye.

It looked like a dog, although I couldn’t quite identify the breed. I remember thinking that it might have been a husky only it had a grey coat with spots of brown. Its ears were triangular and folded back as it crept towards me. I got the impression that it looked a little shy. Nowadays, I’d recognize it as a coyote but at that age, I doubt I even knew what a coyote was.

“Hello puppy!” I said and took a step towards it. It shrank back, baring its teeth at me as it did. I didn’t take the hint, though. Behind me, the Prince protectively moved to my side. From the corner of my eye, I saw him watching the coyote carefully. It never occurred to me that the animal could’ve been dangerous though. I just saw a dog, and wanted to pet it, not understanding that it didn’t want to be petted. When I reached out for it, the coyote snapped at me before darting to the side. It didn’t bite me but I leapt back as if it had all the same and that seemed to be the only provocation the Unicorn Prince needed.

When he moved, the coyote tried to get out of the way but the Prince was faster. I remember hearing the crack of its bones under the Prince’s hooves. I remember seeing its body distort as it was pulverized. It died instantly, and I suppose that was for the best. I’m not sure how I would’ve handled watching it suffer. But the sight of the thing that I’d drawn trampling the life out of another living thing was hardly much of an improvement. As the Prince rammed its horn into the broken corpse, goring it in a show of violence that was like nothing I’d seen before. I screamed and stumbled backwards. I lost my footing and fell as I stared in horror up at my unicorn. He looked at me, big colorful eyes soft and kind and yet his hide was spattered with blood.

I stared up at my Prince, looking at him and shaking as he stood over the corpse. He shook its head, shaking some of the blood off before he advanced on me. I tried to crawl away, tears streaming down my cheeks.
“No…” I stammered, “D-don’t hurt me! P-please.”
The Prince stopped and looked down at me, studying me. I could see in its eyes that he knew I was upset. I could tell that he was thinking on what to do about that and after a moment he just bowed his head and knelt down in a gesture of submission.

For a few moments, neither of us moved. I was still shaking and crying. The Prince waited for me to make the first move and when I did, all I could manage was to quietly take out the paper I’d drawn him on so he could go back. He stood up and approached me slowly. He didn’t go back to the paper though, not at first. Instead he lowered his head down towards me and gave me an affectionate nudge, silently asking if I was okay.

I looked over at the pulverized carcass of the coyote, and I remembered the way it had snapped at me. I think I realized that it would’ve hurt me if it had gotten the chance… and if that was the case, then my Prince had done nothing but defend me. I looked over at him and finally reached out to pet the side of his face. He nuzzled into my hand before returning to his drawing. I went straight back into the backyard. Mom didn’t know I’d been gone, I had no intention of telling her either. I didn’t go on any more adventures after that.

I think it goes without saying that I didn’t spend much time around other children when I was young. Mom had a few friends who’d bring their kids over every now and then, but that was it. Mom had told me that she’d wanted me to go to preschool but my Dad was adamant that it was a waste of money. I’m sure they fought about it more than once during the occasional fights I’d overhear as I lay awake in my bedroom at night.

That lack of socialization though made it so much more difficult when I started school. I won’t pretend to remember every single detail but I remember the fear. I could handle being on my own. I’d been alone for more of my life than I probably should have. It was being around other people that was hard. I preferred to simply avoid the other kids. During playtime, I’d sit on my own and draw. I’d bring a notepad to school and fill it with crayon drawings of fantasy lands, mermaids and the like. That isolation made it difficult for me to make friends and I suppose it made me an easy target.

People can be cruel, but children have a special kind of cruelty to them. I know that the bullying started early. If it wasn’t my coke bottle glasses they made fun of, it was my frizzy red hair but more than any of those, they teased me because I wanted to be by myself with nothing but my notepads and sketchbooks. I think it was around second grade when someone first came up with the name ‘Spacegirl’, because I was ‘always spaced out’ but I don’t remember exactly who used it first. Either way, it caught on to the point that people called me that more often than they called me by my actual name and it wasn’t long before some people started taking it further.

It was a few months into second grade that Chris Burton took my sketchbook. I usually spent my recesses out in the field behind the school. If the weather was good, I’d sit down beneath one of the trees and draw. Sometimes people bothered me, but my Mom had told me to ignore them and that’s what I tried to do. Chris was a couple of grades above me and I was one of his favorite targets. He just loved trying to get a reaction however he could. Sometimes he pulled grass out from the ground and sprinkled it in my hair, trying to get a reaction. I usually just brushed it out and moved to a different tree. On that day though, I guess he wasn’t going to accept being ignored.

I could see him from the corner of my eye as he came towards me, flanked by a few other boys.
“What’cha drawing today Spacegirl?” He asked as he reached me. He leaned against the tree and tried to peer over my shoulder. I didn’t give him an answer. Mom had said not to vindicate him with an answer. He gave me a light push, trying to get my attention.
“Hey, Spacegirl. Spaaaacegirl…
I still didn’t reply, even when the questions started.
“Are you ignoring me? Don’t you talk? Do you know how to talk?”
No answer. I just continued working in my sketchbook. I was nearly done with a drawing of the Unicorn Prince.
“You know that Unicorns are for babies, right?”

I kept my head down, trying to at least finish my sketch before I moved. I never got that chance. Before I could react, Chris had snatched my sketchbook from my hands and with a manic grin on his face, he took off.
“Give it back!” I yelled after him before I scrambled to my feet. Chris already had a head start on me and I was barely even up before someone else had pushed me over. As I hit the ground, all I could do was watch as Chris took off towards the school. I scrambled to pick myself up again and give chase. I wasn’t as fast as him. There was no way I’d catch up in time.

He was already inside the school by the time I got to the doors. I had no idea where he’d gone. He couldn’t have been in one of the classrooms, could he? Maybe he’d gone to hide in one of the bathrooms? I knew that technically I wasn’t supposed to be in the boys bathroom but where else could he have gone?
“Hey! Spacegirl!” I heard him call from just down the hall. I turned and sure enough I saw him standing in the doorway to one of the bathrooms. My heart skipped a beat as I began to dread what he’d done. I took off after him. I didn’t see my sketchbook in his hands and I tore past him towards the boys bathroom.

The smell was the first thing I noticed and I could see one of the stall doors hanging open. I came to a stop in front of it, already knowing what I’d see. Chris had thrown my sketchbook in the toilet. The pages were soaked and it stank like piss. Behind me, I could hear Chris laughing as if he’d just played the greatest prank in the world.

I gagged as I took my sketchbook out of the toilet. The pages were soaking wet when I pried the book open. Most of my drawings were ruined. The things that had been on them didn’t move. They were still and lifeless and that sent an unfamiliar stab of panic through my chest. I flipped over to the incomplete sketch of the Unicorn Prince, expecting it to be damaged as well. That page had been spared the worst of the damage, but I could only see the background I’d drawn. No sign of the Prince himself.

“See? I made some improvements?” Chris teased. From the corner of my eye I could see him hovering over my shoulder. My heart raced and I felt a flash of rage. The next thing I knew, I'd punched him.
“You ruined them!” I cried, “You ruined all of them!”
Chris stumbled back a step, no longer smiling. I could see a thin trail of blood running from his nose before he hit back. We were both on the ground, hitting each other when a teacher found us and broke us up a few minutes later.

Chris and I were both sent home that day and I never got my sketchbook back. I imagine that one of the teachers threw it out. It was ruined anyways. It was my Dad who picked me up from school that day, not my Mom. If I hadn’t known better, I would’ve thought that was punishment enough. It was something of a blessing that I barely saw him. I never felt comfortable when I was around him.

As we left he seemed quiet. Not angry, just quiet. It wasn’t until we got in the car that he said anything.
“So… You hit that boy back, huh?” His tone was gruff and made me a bit uneasy.
“He took my sketchbook.” I replied. Dad just chuckled.
“Well, boys will be boys. I guess he had a crush, huh? When should I be expecting you to bring home your new boyfriend.”

I shifted uneasily in my seat. I’d expected him to be angry but something about the way he was talking seemed… off… I could smell the familiar smell of alcohol on him as he keyed the engine and pulled out of the parking lot.
“Chris is a jerk.” I said quietly.
“Most boys are, kiddo. You’ll learn to like it eventually. You’ll notice it more when you get older. You’re probably gonna look a little like your Mother. Legs for days.” He lit up a cigarette as we drove and I looked out the window, quietly shrinking away from him. I could feel him looking at me, and I hated it.

Mom was waiting for me when we got home and as soon as I got through the door she had me wrapped up in her arms, already fussing over me.
“Megan, what were you thinking? Did he hurt you? What happened?”
“Chris threw my sketchbook in the toilet.” I said quietly. “I’m sorry. I got mad and I hit him…”
“Relax Annie. It’s just kids being kids.” Dad said, brushing past her to head to the kitchen and get a beer. “There’s no point in making a big fuss over it. Sounds to me like it’s just a little boy with a crush.”
Mom looked over in his direction, glaring daggers at him. She watched as he took two beers out of the fridge.

“Kids being kids?” She repeated, “Did you look at her? She’s got bruises all over her arms!”
“It’s a bit of roughhousing. Nothing to worry about.” Dad said with a shrug. He opened one of the beers and took a sip.
“Did you even ask what happened? How many times has she told us that the other children were bothering her? We need to set up a meeting with the school.”
“Don’t you think that’s overreacting?” Dad stood in the doorway of the kitchen. “This kind of thing is normal. The school will tell you the same thing. Stop worrying. It’ll toughen her up a little, make her socialize. God knows she could use a kick in the ass.”

“Excuse me?” Mom snapped. Her tone of voice made me flinch but my Dad hardly seemed to notice it. He just took another sip of his beer. I could see the rage in Mom’s eyes as she tried to figure out just what to say to him. Her attention shifted to me for a moment.
“Megan, why don’t you go upstairs to your room? Daddy and I need to talk.”
“Why are you coddling her? She’s a big girl, she can take it.” Dad asked as I headed for the stairs. The argument had already begun before I even made it to the top.

“She’s six years old, James. Do you really think she deserves to be harassed?”
“They’re kids! This is what they do. It’s natural. It’ll help her grow a thicker skin. Just relax, will you?”
I took off towards my room and closed the door behind me. My hands were shaking. Even through the door I could hear the muffled sounds of my parents screaming at each other.

From the corner of my eye, I could see the drawings I’d put up on my walls shifting around, sharing in my discomfort. I could feel them watching me. I pulled away from my bedroom door and went towards a recent piece I’d done of the Unicorn Prince. I needed him, if for no other reason than to have something I knew I could call a friend close by. But as soon as I approached the picture I saw that it was empty. The Prince was nowhere in sight. He’d left his drawing and the sight of that gave me pause.

He’d never left his drawing without me before. I looked around, none of the other subjects from my artwork were missing. It was just him…
As my parents argued downstairs, I felt alone and sick to my stomach. Somehow in my gut I knew something was wrong. Something bad was happening. I didn’t know just what. Not yet… But I could sense it and that alone was enough to scare me.

The Unicorn Prince was back in his drawing the next morning. I remember seeing him standing just as I’d drawn him in the picture. He didn’t move when I looked at him and I didn’t have the time to bring him out. Remembering his absence left me with a lingering sense of unease though and it wouldn’t go away.

I was back at school that day although I didn’t see Chris in the recess yard at all. It was that morning that we were told that recesses would be indoors for the next few days in spite of the lovely weather.The teachers didn’t tell us why. That much I overheard from a few of the students. During the first indoor recess, I could hear one of the other girls, Sasha talking to some of her friends about how Chris Burton hadn’t quite made it home the other night.

My Dad works at the hospital and he said that he’d heard that Chris and his Mom got attacked by an animal yesterday! He said that they’re probably gonna die.” There was a glee in her voice that didn’t quite fit in with what she was describing. I didn’t listen in for long. I couldn’t even if I wanted to. A hollow feeling in my stomach overtook me and I suddenly felt sick. I was a child, but that didn’t mean I couldn’t put two and two together. The Prince had been out of his drawing the other day… and it just so happened that Chris and his Mom had been attacked by ‘an animal.

A vivid memory of the coyote lying dead on the ground flashed through my mind. I remembered its vacant eyes and caught myself wondering if Chris would look the same if he died. I sat still, the color draining from my skin. I couldn’t even bring myself to look at the fresh sketchbook I’d brought. How could I, knowing that one of my drawings had just put another person in the hospital?

The other kids in the classroom around me paid me no mind. The teacher didn’t even seem to notice my trembling hands as I tried to comprehend the truth that I couldn’t avoid. My drawings had nearly killed someone… that sat on me like a weight and I didn’t know how to handle it. I felt like I could barely breathe. The next thing I knew, I was crying and I couldn’t tell a single person the truth as to why.

I didn’t know what to do about what had happened. When I got home after school, the thought of ripping every drawing off my wall and tearing them to shreds had crossed my mind but when I tried to make myself do it, I couldn’t. I could only stare at them as they watched me, waiting for me to do something. These were my creations. I had given them life… Could I really bring myself to take it away from them?

I remember looking at the newest drawing of the Unicorn Prince I’d made. I could see myself tearing the paper, but even if that didn’t kill him I’d have felt guilty for even trying to hurt him. The Prince just stared back at me, a quiet resolve on his face and I knew that even if I could destroy him it wouldn’t be what I wanted. I knew I’d need to do something else and I wasn’t quite sure just what else I could do… Aside from draw. Maybe in hindsight, it seems like a bad idea. My art had put Chris and his mother in the hospital in the first place. Sending him a drawing probably would have seemed more like a threat than an apology but I still convinced myself it was a good idea. If nothing else, maybe it would make me feel better.

I looked up at the drawing of the Prince again, my brow furrowed.
“Why’d you do it?” I asked, “Why’d you have to hurt them?”
He just looked back at me before stepping off the paper. I took a step back as he stared me down.
“You can’t just hurt people whenever you feel like it! You can’t!”
The Prince just huffed. I’d never imagined a fake Unicorn could sound dismissive, but he somehow pulled it off. He tossed his mane before nudging me with his head. I pulled away from him.

“You’re never going to hurt anyone else again.” I said, my voice shaking. “Do you understand me? Never again!”
My eyes darted around to the rest of my drawings. I could feel them all watching me.
“None of you are going to hurt anyone!”
I got no replies… No sign of agreement from them. Just uneasy silence. The Prince quietly turned away from me and stepped back into his drawing. What he meant by that, I wasn’t quite sure.

I got myself some fresh paper and started on a handmade card. I can’t say I ever knew Chris particularly well. Aside from harassing me, I didn’t know what he liked so I stuck with something simple. I drew a picture of him. People liked seeing portraits of themselves, right? I spent almost an hour working on it, drawing him from memory. Out of the corner of my eye, I could see my other drawings moving around on my wall. On the inside of the card, I wrote a simple message.

I’m sorry that you got hurt. I hope you get well soon.

Just writing that made me feel a little better. I looked at the drawing I’d made of the Prince. He was still watching me intently, as if he had a problem with what I was doing.
“I’m apologizing.” I said defensively. “You hurt him, I have to do something!”
The Prince just huffed. That same dismissive sound as before.
“I’ll take the card to the hospital and when he’s better, maybe he’ll leave me alone. It’s better than just… just attacking him!”

I checked my clock. Maybe I could get Mom to drive me before it got too late. I knew she’d been in her office when I got home. I imagined she was probably still there. I held the card I’d made for Chris close as I went downstairs. Mom would understand. She’d probably be happy to help me make amends! As I reached the bottom of the stairs, I heard the TV blaring from the living room. Maybe Mom wasn’t busy? Even better.

I wasn’t greeted by the sight of Mom sitting and watching the television though. She was nowhere to be seen. Instead, it was my Dad on the couch. He’d taken off his tie and I saw a half empty bottle of scotch on the table in front of him. He was in the midst of nursing another glass.
“Hey there, kiddo.” He said. He didn’t even look away from the TV.

“Hi Dad. Where’s Mom?”
“She went out for a bit. Shrink work, you know.” He finally looked over at me. “What do you want, kiddo?”
“Could you drive me to the hospital?” I asked timidly, “I wanted to visit someone.”
“Oh, so you’ve got a friend now?” He asked playfully, “C’mon. Sit down. Why don’t you tell me about them?”
I hesitated for a moment before I sat beside him.

“What did you draw?” Dad asked, noticing the card I was holding. He snatched it from me before I could stop him. “A boy, huh? Your friend from the other day? What was his name? Chris?”
“Y-yeah… It’s for Chris…” I murmured as I sat down beside him. Dad studied the card, a smile on his face before he chuckled.
“Isn’t that cute. I guess you’ve got yourself a boyfriend then, huh?”
“I feel bad cuz we got in a fight yesterday and now he’s sick.”
“Yeah, yeah. I get it.” He said. “Hey, he’s a lucky guy. You’re gonna grow up just like your Mom. I can already see it.”
I could feel his eyes on me and it made me uncomfortable.

“Can you drive me to the hospital?” I asked again.
“It’s too late for that. I’ll take you on the weekend.” He said and downed his drink. “I’d like to meet the young man who’s got my little girl all worked up… Hell, you look all shy now. Isn’t that cute...”
He pulled me closer to him and the stink of alcohol was almost overpowering. I didn’t want to get closer but I didn’t know what else to do. The card was tossed onto the coffee table.
“So did you steal any kisses from your new boyfriend, yet?” He asked, grinning as he fixed me in that hateful stare of his.
“No! He’s not my friend!”
“It’s alright. I get it. You’re growing up. You’re getting to be a big girl and you’re beautiful just like your Mom.” He said. He gently ran his fingers through my hair, and for a moment he looked thoughtful. “Just like your Mom…”

The next thing I knew, he’d leaned in to kiss me. Not in the way a parent should ever kiss a child. The stink of alcohol was overpowering and made me sick. Every nerve in my body wanted to pull back, but I couldn’t. Even if he would’ve let me, I was too scared of what he’d do if I did.
“It’s alright, baby… You can trust Daddy…” He whispered but I knew he was lying. I knew something was wrong but for all the fear that I felt, I couldn’t fight back. I didn’t know how.
I could feel his hands on me as he tried to pull me onto his lap and it was then that I resisted.
“S-stop…” I stammered as I finally tried to pull away but his grip on me tightened. I saw a flash of rage in his eyes that was enough to break whatever terrified defiance I had in me. However what he might have done to me was nothing compared to what was about to be done to him.

From the corner of my eye, I saw movement on the coffee table. Fresh panic kicked in as I struggled to get away. I saw hands reaching out of the card and pressing onto the table. I could see the drawing I’d made of Chris beginning to pull itself out and I knew what was about to happen.

In a panic, I pulled away from my Dad. I kicked at him and scrambled off of the couch. There was confusion on his face, followed by a look of realization… Or perhaps remorse. Then came the terror when he at last noticed the living illustration of Chris that now reared out of the card on the coffee table. He screamed and froze, eyes wide as he looked at the drawing. But he didn’t run. He didn’t fight. As the impossible loomed over him, all he could do was scream.

I covered my eyes as the hands of my drawing gripped his throat. I couldn’t watch it. I didn’t want to. I could hear it though. The screams. I could hear a terror deeper than anything I’d heard before and that was enough… There were screams and then there was silence.

It was a while before I allowed myself to look. The picture of Chris was gone and in its place, I saw one of my Dad. The art looked like mine but I hadn’t drawn this. His mouth was open in a scream. His eyes were wide with terror… and he was completely still. He didn’t move like my other pictures. He just remained there. Lifeless.

My heart was racing. As afraid of my own father as I’d been a moment ago, I wanted him to move! I wanted to see some sign of life! I held the card, silently begging for something to happen but nothing did and I remember the quiet creeping realization that he wasn’t going to move again. He was gone.

I never wanted anybody to get hurt. I mean that. But the choice isn’t mine. I learned that the hard way. Perhaps they deserved what they got. The things they did were not by accident, after all. Chris chose to bully me. My Dad chose to try and hurt me and so many others have hurt me since then… But that doesn’t mean I wanted the same for them.

Over the years, I’ve done what I can to keep myself in check… They react to my rage and my fear. So long as I control those, I can keep them at bay. But every now and then, I slip. Someone pushes me too hard and I can’t bury the rage or the fear. It gets out and when it does, They react to it and people die. I thought I could do it forever. I really did… But I have my limits. Well… Had. Not anymore...
submitted by HeadOfSpectre to nosleep


Key quotes from books and deeper research II

Previous post.
“This world is your best teacher. There is a lesson in everything. There is a lesson in each experience. Learn it and become wise. Every failure is a stepping stone to success. Every difficulty or disappointment is a trial of your faith. Every unpleasant incident or temptation is a test of your inner strength. Therefore nil desperandum. March forward hero!” Sivananda
All books and more can be freely downloaded here.
We ask you to make a study of this, and you will find that every immoral and vicious, or even dishonest, character arises wholly from an abnormal sex nature. The first step on the downward path is in the controlling influence of sex passion. That is why the ancient philosophers and Bible historians called it "The old serpent, the devil, and satan, that deceives the whole world."(…)
You should first decide in your own mind that you will not indulge that passion under any circumstances whatever. A complete decision of the mind is the battle half won for anyone, and for many it is wholly won, as the decisions of the mind enter into and control the dream state, but some have greater difficulty than others.(…)
but if it is allowed to dominate, it causes us to give our life for mere sensual gratification, and yet we are not gratified, but are deceived and disappointed, and our life is made a hell of vague imaginings, devoid of all reality or even ability to see and understand things as they really are.(…)
and added to it they will possess that "personal magnetism" which is so attractive, and which is really one of the strongest factors to insure success, even in a business way, and is in fact the main requisite to success for speakers, teachers, lawyers, doctors, and even salesmen. It has very often been remarked to me by young men who are living this life, that they have added power to attract the opposite sex: in fact, therein lies one of man's greatest dangers, viz. : in attracting to them persons who will use every means to ensnare them.(…) Young people who live this life will possess attractive powers so great that they can have their choice of a companion from any class of people.(…)
We have known some of the most marvelous mind powers to be gained through it: such as being able to read the thoughts of others; to foresee events; to perceive the most subtile forces in nature; in fact, we have had abundant reason to believe that every power possessed by those in the spirit world may be possessed by those who follow those instructions.(…) after they have kept the life for a month or more, they lose it, then will be very vividly realized what they have lost, and from the contrast they will know what they have gained.(…) The real ideal in the heart of a young woman is a strong man on whom she can lean, and into whose keeping she can commit her life, to be controlled, guided, and protected; one in whom she can live and love continually, and who has manhood enough to control himself and her in harmony with nature's laws. Could she find such a one she would worship him and pour through his organism all the wealth of her mind and power, thus increasing his powers in every direction, and especially supplementing his brain power, supplying all deficiencies.
1896 Practical methods to insure success
(Quick review: This short book mentions fasting, intermittent fasting, enemas, controlling the senses, cold showers, right posture and of course semen retention. What a shocking string of coincidences that we all stumble on the same set of practices, one connecting into the other.)
“the mean zinc content of the human prostate gland was 68-2 mg. Zn/100 g. dry wt., which is in considerable excess of zinc content in human liver, muscle, brain, testis or blood. These investigators state that the zinc present in the human seminal plasma is derived chiefly from the prostatic secretion.(…) Among factors which influence the production of semen in man and animals, hormones rank paramount in importance. The formation, output, and composition of ejaculated semen are the outcome of a concerted action of several endocrine organs, with the pituitary gland and the testicular interstitial tissue in dominant positions.(…)
1954 T. Mann Biochemistry of Semen
(Quick review: Very technical overview of the purpose, composition and chemistry of semen in both animals and humans. Over 70 years old, this book beyond a shadow of a doubt shows the knowledge was already there on many levels of the value of semen for the body.)
“What is the origin, the source, of this energy? After years and years of theory and discovery, modern physicists have arrived at the conclusion that what exists in nature is not palpable or solid matter as such. It is energy, energy that fills the entire cosmos, all space. Everything that exists is filled with unutterable energy, energy which takes so many forms. Everything that you see here, every force derives from that ultimate source of cosmic energy.(…)
Any sense activity or sense experience consumes a lot of prana. And the activity that consumes the greatest amount of prana is the sex act. Gurudev has put it very strongly: “It shatters the entire nervous system.” (…)
Brahmacharya is neither avoiding sexuality nor repressing sexuality. It is giving the go-by to sexuality so that the potential and the power of the sexual process can now be used for something so wonderful that sex pales into insignificance in contrast.(…)
But if the mind is diverted into higher things, automatically brahmacharya becomes easy. You can succeed in brahmacharya if the mind is totally taken up by something so wonderful, so big, it absorbs you and elevates you, and the mind is simply gripped by it.
Swami Chidananda The Role of Celibacy
(Quick review: A student of Sivananda, he became the man with the healing hand. The growing reputation of his divine healing hand attracted a rush of patients to the Sivananda Charitable Dispensary. This small interview goes into the spiritual and mystical benefits of celibacy.)
A person lacking in self-restraint and self-discipline can never make progress in any worthwhile endeavour nor can he be of any service to the society. A society made up of such people is unable to make any material or spiritual progress. Such degenerated societies disintegrate in the long run.(…)
For attaining peace, brightness, memory, knowledge, health and Self-realisation, one should observe Brahmacharya, the highest Dharma, the highest knowledge, greatest strength. Of the nature of Brahmacharya is verily this Atma and in Brahmacharya it resides.(…) "It is a medical and physiological fact that the best blood in the body goes to form the elements of reproduction in both the sexes. In a pure and orderly life, this matter is reabsorbed. It goes back into circulation ready to form the finest brain, nerve and muscular tissues. This vital fluid of man carried back and diffused through his system makes him manly, strong, brave and heroic. If wasted, it leaves him effeminate, weak and physically debilitated and prone to sexual irritation and disordered function, a wretched nervous system, epilepsy and various other diseases and death. The suspension of the use of the generative organs is attained with a notable increase of bodily, mental and spiritual vigour." (…)
Ojas is the cause of attractive personality. If you see any person who is outstanding in his works, whose speech is impressive and thrilling, has lustrous eyes and a magnetic aura on his face and awe-inspiring (charismatic) personality, be sure that he has stored up Ojas in his brain. This stored up energy can be utilised for divine comtemplation and spiritual pursuits (Self-realisation).(…) a fine stream of cold water should be poured on the sexual organ. It tones and soothes the nerves of the genito-urinary system and stops nocturnal discharges. It also weakens the sexual desire.(…) Sublimation of sexual energy does not mean flowing the semen from seminal vesicles to the brain. There is no any duct of vessel through which semen could flow upwards towards the brain. Sublimation means diversion of bioelectric energy from sexual organs to central nervous system.
The Secret Of Eternal Youth
(Quick review: This short work mentions many of the quotes of sages, yogis and saints and research into the benefits of retention as well as explains how Freud was a sick fuck from a very early age and projected that onto the entire male population, i.e., he wanted to fuck his own mother and therefore brilliantly concluded that all men deeply in the subconscious do as well. A little projection maybe? Freud suffered from spastic colon, near continuous depressive moods, neurasthenia, homosexual tendencies, bad temper, migraines, constipation, travel phobias, death fears, heart irregularity, money phobias, infected sinuses, fainting spells and hostile drives of hate and murder and was a cocaine addict.)
“Mental development makes a child gradually set aside its infantile toys. After a while it does not want them again, and would not at any price wish to exchange its arduously acquired mental enjoyments for a return to the foolish playthings which amused it when it was ignorant. So will spiritual unfoldment make man gradually leave his playing, particularly with such things as were never meant for play.(…) Science and metaphysics, sociology and ethics, and philosophical and religious systems of all times are lightly touched upon, at a single point, for the purpose of substantiating the ideal and of proving its intrinsic value. In almost every direction evidence can be found in corroboration of the ideal of purity.(…) Nearly every one who is willing to face the evidence frankly and squarely will have to acknowledge that the ideal is based on a deep, solid stratum of universal truth.(…) Even the inherited tendency to their overproduction can be over come if it is not reinforced by ever new excitations. The infallible way is to lessen the erotic stimuli. As a result of this it becomes possible to utilize the vital elements of the blood constantly for the formation of the inner secretions", which enhance the development of greater physical and mental and spiritual power. (…)Scores of medical writers have already been quoted; and "the science of a thousand others . . . has affirmed that abstinence has never caused any disturbance to health."(…) Outstanding specialists have declared that with all the opportunity of long experience they "have no knowledge of any harm resulting from a pure and moral life" ; "have never found a man suffering from keeping himself pure" ; "have never observed a single instance of atrophy of the generative organs from this cause"; "have never seen diseases produced by chastity", and "are without proof of their existence."(…) Certainly, those who choose to remain animals will always have plenty of reason to doubt the existence of a path to regeneration and happiness, for it can never be found through the animal nature!(…) "When the dragon is conquered a valuable treasure, namely an enormous psychic energy, is liberated. "With this energy it becomes possible to climb toward the highest peaks of human and of superhuman attainment.(…)"The neophyte was taught that a conservation of the life energy and a refusal to expend it in generation . . . would vitalize and vivify body and mind and give spiritual powers.'"(…) That so many of the most advanced of the human race, independent of one another, in different ways, from different viewpoints, in different places and at different times, have come to the same conclusion, is in itself an indication that the ideal of purity is of universal scope.(!)
1939 The Coiled Serpent
(Quick review: This Bible of celibacy goes in depth into all the topics talked about in this sub and in many posts: the benefits, the punishments, the research and doctors, the mind-body-soul connections, the ancient people, the women, the evolution of mankind and more. A great book for retainers and can be used for exorcism on coomers.)
The Psychotronic universe (a declassified CIA document)
(Quick review: This document is significant as it shows research done which finally brings, matter, energy and consciousness into a direct correlation, something that the Yogis have been teaching for a long time. And the reason it is important in this context is thousands of testimonies of retainers having “luck”, finding solutions quickly and more.)
“There are three main categories of chi. These are heaven chi, Earth chi, and human chi, and each of these three contain elements of yin and yang. In the heavens, also thought of as the sky, the universe, or space, an example of yin and yang is the moon and the sun. The moon is yin while the sun is yang. On the Earth, water is yin and earth is yang. In humans, women are yin and men are yang. (…)Initially, you should move your chi along the body's meridians. You do this by allowing it to travel in more or less straight lines from one point to another. Once you can do that, you can add a little control. For example, after you can do Grand Circulation, try moving the chi to your arm, then spiral it around clockwise as well as counterclockwise. You can also try varying its speed by moving it both quickly and slowly.(…) Keep practicing until you can extinguish the flame. If you want this technique to work, you need to keep your arm as relaxed as possible. If you use too much muscular force, the flame won't extinguish. This exercise will reveal how well you have learned to relax your body. Once you can consistently put out the candle, move back an inch or two. Keep practicing and keep moving back. As you progress, you may be able to extinguish the candle from about twelve feet or more away.(…) Once you have learned Grand Circulation and Environmental Breathing, you will be able to sense events based on their chi. This will give you an awareness of things that will occur in the immediate future. By practicing this skill regularly, you will be able to sense things further into the future.
Chi Gung Chinese Healing, Energy and Natural Magick by L.V. Carnie
(Quick review: This book showcases many of the Chi Gung techniques for moving and using energy as well as how to heal yourself and keep yourself strong. The possibilities with Chi – Prana are endless as we are essentially in an ocean of Chi and the knowledge of how to use it gives us many possibilities)
Taoism: "Man consisting of a trinity of spirit, mind and body, cometh forth from the Eternal, and after putting off desire re-enters the glory of Tao."
Brahmanism: "Man's inner self is one with the self of the Universe, and to that Universe and to that Unity it must return in the fullness of time."
Buddhism: "Man, fundamentally Divine, is held in the three worlds by desire. Purification from desire leads the man to Nirvana."
Hebrewism: "Man came into being through emanation from the will of the King, therefore is divine."
Egyptian: "Teaches the divinity of man, Osiris as his source."
Zoroastrianism: "Man is a spark of the universal flame to be ultimately united with its source."
Orphic: "Man has in him potentially the sum and substance of the Universe."
Christian: "Man made in the image of God-Body, Soul and Spirit-a Trinity."(…)
THERE is an automatic procedure within the human body, which, if not interfered with will do away with sickness, trouble, sorrow and death, as stated in the Bible.(…)
The blood supply to the claustrum is fulfilled via the middle cerebral artery. It is considered to be the most densely connected structure in the brain, allowing for integration of various cortical inputs (e.g., colour, sound and touch) into one experience rather than singular events. The claustrum has been shown to have widespread activity to numerous cortical components, all of which have been associated with having components of consciousness and sustained attention. This is because of widespread connectivity to fronto-parietal areas, cingulate cortex, and thalami. Sustained attention is from the connections to the cingulate cortex, temporal cortex, and thalamus. Crick and Koch suggest that the claustrum has a role similar to that of a conductor within an orchestra as it attempts to co-ordinate the function of all connections. (Wiki)
Any act, coming under the meaning of sin, retards or prevents the automatic action of the seed, which, if not interfered with, lifts up a portion (one-tenth) of the life essence (oil or secretion) that constantly flows down the spinal cord (a "Strait and narrow way") and transmutes it, thus increasing its power many fold and perpetuating the body indefinitely, or until the Ego desires dissolve it by rates of motion set in action by its inherent will.(…)
The fluid, oil, or marrow which flows down the spinal cord, comes from the upper brain, the Creator or Father, the "Most High," and 1s known in physiology as ovum, or generative seed-that life essence which creates the human form of corruptible flesh. In the Greek, from which the New Testament was translated, this marrow is called Christ, which is the Greek word for oil.(…) By this regenerative process millions of dormant cells of the brain are resurrected and set in operation, and then man no longer "sees through a glass darkly," but with the Eye of spiritual understanding.(…) It is from this claustrum that contains yellow substance within its outer grayish exterior, that the wonderful, priceless OIL is formed that Bows down into the olivary fasciculus, "descending with the rubro-spinal tract through the reticular formation in the pons and medulla to the lateral column of the spinal cord. It terminates in the gray matter of the spinal cord, probably giving off collaterals to corresponding nuclei in the brain stem."--Santee. This is the OIL, the precious gift of which the Bible speaks, "Thou anointest my head with oil." And not only is there oil manufactured within this · special laboratory of the brain, but there is actually an olive tree, which bears actual olives-so named in any anatomy. The two olives are two infinitesimal eminences on either side of the medulla, with the Pyramid between. (Interestingly, in Skyrim, to enter Sovngarde you first fight it’s guardian Tsun – named after the ancient god of trials – and then you pass a bridge looking like a SPINE into heaven) (…) We can also understand why draining of the vital fluid-living in excesses, will also produce baldness. If there were no oil in the body, the skin would become harsh and dry.(…) Moreover, you have hidden within yourself a magnet which attracts those influences which correspond to your will, and this celestial magnet is of such power that for more than a hundred, or even thousands of miles, it attracts that which you desire out of the four elements."(…) The pneumo gastric nerve, vagus nerve, that comes down from cerebellum across (a cross) the medulla oblongata branches out at the lungs {pneumo) and at the stomach (gastric), and is called "The Tree of Life" (thirteen letters), also pneumo gastric (thirteen letters). There are twelve mineral salts in the blood and blood . itself-the product-thirteen.(…) The oil or substance that flows down the plexus of nerves that branch off from the main nerve is deposited in the manger (the nun) or mouth of the fish, and forms a seed or fruit of the tree.(…)
1920 Carey God-man, word made flesh
(Quick review: One of the true Bibles of celibacy and transmutation, this book gives you the keys of unlocking the transmutational process in the Bible and thus in your body. It also shows you how masterful the writers of these stories were, as they understood it at such a deep level and were able to create powerful messages that work both directly understood or with their hidden meaning. The book brilliantly shows these connections and is priceless.)
“and to my surprise, author referred over 18 religions of the world. I am again very happy to learn what other religions around the world think about masturbation. (…) The References section now further strengthens what's written in this book and will help various curious souls to read and research further about this topic in various religions, different sciences, etc.(…) It increases the receptiveness and the processing power of the mind, and its ability to concentrate for longer durations at a stretch. It protects the body from internal and external adverse impacts. Internal impacts include protection from irregular food habits, irregular sleep patterns, etc. External impacts include protection from dust, pollution, harsh weathers, various forms of negativities, diseases, etc. It automatically bounces back any untowardness coming to it from anywhere. These are just basic ones to begin with.(…)
David Baldwin Why you should never masturbate
(Quick review: This book is a nice overview of the basics of semen retention and why you should not masturbate. It covers a broad scope of topics but does not go in depth as some other works do.)
“all physical weakness could be overcome, and the exhausted vital forces renewed. Furthermore, the retention and reabsorption of the seminal fluids in the body, excepting only such as are used for purposes of procreation, the magnetic qualities as well as the mental ‘and spiritual powers of the individual are wonderfully increased.(…) undoubted fact that the richest elements of the blood are used in the distillation of the reproductive fluids, which, therefore, when reabsorbed, furnish the most perfect nutrition for the brain cells, nerves, and muscles, and in fact all the tissues of the body.(…) thus provides a more efficient instrument for mental work, and generates a store of personal magnetism which inevitably draws to the individual the esteem of the people he deals with, as well as every good thing in the universe.(…) instead therefore, of completing each other, neither has anything left to give the other. The result is first satiety, then repulsion, often ending in dislike if not positive hatred. (and isn’t that every modern relationship explained? )(…)The man that gains sex mastery secures unlimited assistance of the infinite God who is ready to help those who show by theirlife they are worthy of being helped.
1911 The science of sex regeneration
(Quick review: This short book is a nice overview of the powers and necessity of continence as well as marriage, life advice and some great stories.)
“But continence is the foundation of all health. Sacred books of all religions extol its creative power and enjoin it as the cardinal virtue in spiritual life. For example, religious widows and spiritual aspirants, vowed to voluntary chastity and poverty, keep up generally a youthful appearance even in a ripe old age and live an unusually long life.(…) Dr. Nichols writes : "It is a medical, a physiological fact that the best blood in the body goes to form the elements of reproduction in both sexes. In a pure and orderly life this matter is absorbed and goes back into circulation ready to form the finest brain, nerve, and muscular tissue. This matter carried back and diffused through his system makes him manly, strong, brave, and heroic. (…)Continence makes the body strong, the mind healthy, the eyes sparkling, the cheeks shining and the face beaming with magnetic aura.(…) Continence increases infinitely the power of retentiveness and remembrance. Try to gain absolute mastery over thy sexual instinct. If one succeeds in doing this a physiological change is produced in the body by the development of a nerve known by the name of Medha, whose function it is to transmute lower energies into the higher. The knowledge of the Higher Self is gained after the formation of this Medha nerve.(Sri Ramakrishna)(…)
1943 Continence And Its Creative Power
(Quick review: This short book by a student of Sivananda gives a great overview of the fact that continence was practiced across the world by all the great men, groups and faiths. In just 90 pages it concentrates much of the key elements of our knowledge base: history, advice, practice, quotes from the giants, etc.)
“Instead of the popular fallacy that a young man is physically the worse for a clean moral life, the entire weight of the world's foremost medical scholars is unreservedly of the opinion that he is physically better for it. It is recognized by the highest authorities that continence is perfectly compatible with the most perfect health.(…) We allude to that subtle, powerful "something" which is known as "personal magnetism"-this is well known in actual experience, although it is subtle and so elusive that it is most difficult to describe. It may be said to consist of that peculiar personal "charm" which some persons have, and which others seem to lack.(…) "Those following these methods will have all the bloom of health, and in addition will possess that personal magnetism which is so attractive, and which is really one of the strongest factors of success even in a business way; it is, in fact, · the main requisite for the success of speakers, teachers, lawyers, doctors and salesmen. It gives a joyous happy feeling to body and mind: clears up the intellect so that one may readily understand the most abstruse subjects; it gives strength and decision of character and directness of purpose; a love of refinement, purity, goodness, honor, justice and morality; in every conceivable direction it adds to the capacity of mind and body; a process of growth which will steadily continue; we have never known anyone who could define the limits of the possibility of increase; we have known some of the most marvelous mind-powers gained through living the regenerate life; we have seen young men and women with pale faces, dim eyes, and poor health, begin a course of lessons on this subject, but before the course closed inside of three weeks, their eyes would grow bright and the color would return to their cheeks.
1922 Atkinson Beals Regenerative power or vital rejuvenation
(Quick review: This great work encapsulates this ancient knowledge and traces it through history and scientific knowledge of the early 20th century, before the full takeover of the Dark Brotherhood. It specifically analyses the glands, their secretions and why semen retention changes everything.)
“Countless fairy tales tell of a dragon which captures a beautiful princess and then keeps his pure and innocent prisoner captive in a castle. The poor princess, languishing in her gaol, weeps as she begs Heaven to send someone to save her. Knights gallop up to rescue her, but one after another they are devoured by the dragon, who seizes all their wealth and then hoards it in the castle cellars. (…)If, through ignorance, carelessness or weakness, man does not know how to make use of these combustible forces, he will find that, instead of being propelled towards Heaven, he will be hurled into the abyss or reduced to ashes.(…) What they do not know is that when they are dealing with sexuality which is purely physical, biological and egocentric, it produces on the higher planes all sorts of volcanic eruptions which give off thick emanations and coarse forms. These emanations have dull and murky colours, red is the main colour, but it is a dirty red. All these emanations are swallowed up by the earth or by shadowy creatures who are waiting to feast on these vital energies.(…) Without realizing it, each eruption takes away a little of their beauty, their intelligence, their strength, and then when all is spent, they end up ugly, stupid and ill.(writing comments on Reddit subs to sabotage the Light) If only there was a pair of scales in which you could put on one side what you had gained in tasting all these sensual pleasures and on the other side what you had lost by giving way, you would see that you had lost practically everything and gained practically nothing.(…) In Wagner’s opera ‘Parsifal,’ Parsifal comes to a meadow where he finds the young flower maidens who try to seduce him, but behind their flowers lurk snakes. This story (like many others in world literature) conceals great occult truths. Ulysses and Parsifal are both symbols of the Initiate who meets temptations on his path; if the Initiate stops, he will lose his life.(…) Without this high ideal, for a divine and perfect life, you will be broken in your struggle against the sexual force. Repression is no answer, because repression is just the refusal to give the sexual force its normal outlet without an ideal which works on the higher planes to sublimate this force.
Aivanhov Omraam Sexual force of the Winged Dragon
(Quick review: This short booklet of a Initiate explains in depth the more mystical aspects of love, relationships, sexual energy and transmutation. It shows the same truths but also goes much deeper into the occult significance of these Truths.)
submitted by RebornInLife to Semenretention